the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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