The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm always down for nudity.
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