I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
