3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
there is puke in my bra ... again
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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