my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
