Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
