I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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