You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
