We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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