Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
