If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
