I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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