kristin has been a bad kristin
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
