There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
