On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
