there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
