Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
