I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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