somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
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