last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
