She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
