I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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