Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
