I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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