I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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