I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
