dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
