I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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