yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
