My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
