Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
