Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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