I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
