If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She even gives head with a lisp.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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