1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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