I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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