You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
