Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
