She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I have fence marks all over my body
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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