Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
