ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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