Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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