Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Well I just put wine in my tea
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
