I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
