How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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