You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
