I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
