I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize