The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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