Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
