I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
